Taking Sexy Back by Alexandra Solomon: Review

Taking Sexy Back promises to transform your relationship with yourself and your partner through self-awareness.

You're tired of relationship advice that feels disconnected from your actual sexual and emotional needs.

Section 01What Taking Sexy Back Actually Covers

Alexandra Solomon's Taking Sexy Back centers on "relational self-awareness" - understanding how your past experiences, triggers, and patterns show up in your romantic and sexual relationships. The book argues that true intimacy requires knowing yourself deeply before you can connect authentically with a partner.

The book divides into three main sections: understanding your relational patterns, developing emotional regulation skills, and applying these insights to create healthier relationship dynamics. Solomon draws heavily from her background as a couples therapist and psychology professor, weaving together clinical insights with practical exercises.

The Core Framework

Solomon's framework revolves around identifying your "relational triggers" - moments when past wounds or insecurities hijack your present-moment connection. She provides specific techniques for recognizing these patterns and responding differently, rather than reacting from old emotional wounds.

Section 02Strengths of the Approach

The book excels at connecting emotional awareness to sexual intimacy. Solomon doesn't separate your ability to communicate your needs in bed from your overall relationship psychology/sexual-communication-research/" class="contextual-link">communication patterns. This holistic approach helps readers understand why they might struggle with arousal or pleasure when emotional safety feels absent.

Her exercises are concrete and actionable. Instead of vague advice about "being more present," she provides specific questions to ask yourself when triggered and scripts for difficult conversations. The chapter on sexual communication includes actual phrases you can use to express desires and boundaries without shame.

Real-World Applications

Solomon includes numerous case studies from her therapy practice, showing how couples applied her techniques to overcome common issues like mismatched desire, communication breakdowns, and intimacy avoidance. These stories make the concepts feel accessible rather than academic.

Taking Sexy Back

by Alexandra Solomon PhD

Alexandra Solomon's guide to owning your sexuality and building relationships from a place of self-knowledge. Practical, psychology-grounded, and unusually direct about what gets in the way of good sex.

Buy on Amazon → Affiliate link — we may earn a commission

Section 03Limitations and Drawbacks

The book assumes readers are in committed relationships and focuses heavily on heterosexual partnerships. Single readers or those in non-traditional relationship structures may find limited applicable content. The emphasis on long-term partnership building doesn't address the needs of people exploring their sexuality outside committed relationships.

Solomon's approach requires significant emotional work and self-reflection. Readers dealing with trauma or severe relationship issues may need professional support beyond what the book provides. The exercises can feel overwhelming if you're already struggling with basic psychology/sexual-communication-research/" class="contextual-link">communication or safety in your relationship.

Section 04How It Compares to Other Relationship Books

Unlike books focused purely on sexual technique, Taking Sexy Back Alexandra Solomon review reveals an approach that addresses the emotional foundation necessary for satisfying physical intimacy. It's more practical than Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity but less research-heavy than Lori Brotto's Better Sex Through Mindfulness.

Solomon strikes a middle ground between self-help accessibility and clinical depth. The book provides more structured exercises than many relationship guides while avoiding overly academic language that can make concepts feel distant from real-life application.

Section 05Who Should Read This Book

This Taking Sexy Back Alexandra Solomon review suggests the book works best for people in established relationships who recognize their own patterns getting in the way of deeper intimacy. If you find yourself having the same arguments or feeling disconnected despite loving your partner, Solomon's framework offers concrete tools for change.

The book particularly benefits readers who intellectually understand relationship concepts but struggle with emotional regulation in the moment. Solomon's focus on self-awareness before partner-focused change makes this ideal for people who tend to blame their partner rather than examining their own contributions to relationship dynamics.

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When Professional Help Matters

If you experience ongoing emotional or physical safety concerns, addiction issues, or trauma responses that feel overwhelming, seek qualified couples therapy or individual counseling before relying solely on self-help approaches.

Step-by-stepPractical Instructions

Identify your relational triggers

Notice moments when you feel suddenly defensive, withdrawn, or critical of your partner. Keep a simple log for one week, noting the situation, your emotional reaction, and any physical sensations. Look for patterns - do certain topics, times of day, or partner behaviors consistently trigger similar responses in you?

Set a phone reminder to check in with yourself twice daily about emotional state.

Practice the pause technique

When you notice a trigger activating, take three deep breaths before responding. Ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" and "What do I actually need?" This creates space between stimulus and response, preventing reactive patterns that damage intimacy and connection.

Tell your partner you're taking a moment to collect your thoughts rather than leaving abruptly.

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Express needs without blame

Use Solomon's formula: "I notice I feel [emotion] when [specific situation]. What I need is [concrete request]." For example: "I notice I feel disconnected when we don't talk during dinner. What I need is for us to put phones away and check in with each other."

Practice this formula alone first before using it in emotionally charged moments.

Create emotional safety rituals

Establish small daily practices that build connection and trust. This might be five minutes of undivided attention when you reunite after work, or a weekly check-in about relationship satisfaction. Consistency matters more than duration - small, regular gestures build intimacy more effectively than grand occasional efforts.

Start with just one ritual and add others only after the first becomes natural habit.

Address sexual needs directly

Apply emotional awareness to physical intimacy by naming what you want and need. Instead of hoping your partner will guess, use specific language: "I love when you touch me slowly at first" or "I need more time to get aroused when I've had a stressful day."

Have these conversations outside the bedroom when you're both relaxed and receptive.

Avoid theseCommon Mistakes

Mistake 01

Focusing only on partner's issues

You miss your own contribution to relationship patterns and maintain victim mindset

Fix · Apply every concept to yourself first before discussing partner's behavior

Mistake 02

Trying to change everything immediately

Overwhelming yourself leads to abandoning the work when it feels too difficult

Fix · Pick one trigger pattern or communication skill to practice for 30 days

Mistake 03

Using techniques as weapons

Relationship tools become manipulation when used to prove you're right

Fix · Focus on understanding rather than winning during difficult conversations

Mistake 04

Expecting instant results

Relational patterns took years to develop and require patience to change

Fix · Track small improvements rather than waiting for dramatic transformation

"Self-awareness without self-compassion becomes another form of self-criticism that ultimately blocks the vulnerability necessary for intimate connection."

Orgasm.now Editorial

On the importance of gentle self-reflection in relationship work

FAQFrequently Asked Questions

The book works better for established relationships where patterns have had time to develop. New couples might find the content premature, though the self-awareness principles apply to any relationship stage.

Most readers notice increased self-awareness within weeks, but changing ingrained relational patterns typically takes 3-6 months of consistent practice. Small improvements in communication often appear first.

Yes, because Solomon emphasizes changing your own patterns first. One partner's increased self-awareness and different responses often naturally shifts relationship dynamics, though mutual participation accelerates progress.

The book focuses primarily on emotional and communication foundations that enable better physical intimacy. It includes some sexual communication guidance but isn't a technique manual.

The book provides valuable tools for self-reflection and communication, but can't replace professional support for serious relationship issues, trauma, or situations involving safety concerns.

Start with just the self-awareness practices before attempting communication changes. If emotional responses feel unmanageable, consider working with a therapist to build foundation skills first.